My Body is Mine

For the first time ever

I silently said to myself

“My body is mine”

As I touched my thighs

Caressed my arms

After decades spent

Disordered eating

Following harsh rules

Basing my self-worth on the size of my jeans

Because I’ve been led to believe

That I’m only worthy if I’m a size zero

Like a religion

I’ve lived my life this way

Meal by meal

Measurement by measurement

Ensuring I’m enough for someone else

Absorbing messages from the world around me

Especially from men

Who notice my body

Comment like I’m a figurine

And want to take

But don’t want to see deeper

I am no longer hiding

I’ve been crying inside

For lost time

Lost loves

Lost friends

My heart is bursting

I’m banging on noise proof walls

Begging to get out

To stop believing the lies

That my body is an indicator of my lovability

Because it’s not

To stop chasing perfection

To choose to be me

All of me

I’m taking back my body

I am the gatekeeper